


Grief is Stubborn and Wild

by scarromanoff



Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning, I'm Sorry, Pain, Raelle being a comfort while Scylla breaks down, also mild Willa Collar, but pain and grief and death mentioned, no one we know dies, we're working through some things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:33:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27918277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarromanoff/pseuds/scarromanoff
Summary: So instead she held her girl as she broke down, glad that she was letting herself feel, and knowing that she would be there to pick up the pieces afterwards.--A little therapeutic piece on grief.
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	Grief is Stubborn and Wild

**Author's Note:**

> Was I meant to be writing other works with actual deadlines? Yes, yes I was.
> 
> Did something more therapeutic end up needing to be written instead? Also yes.
> 
> This is me trying to work through thoughts and feelings by projecting because it's easier that way, I guess.
> 
> I'm sorry, the original plan was to write something soft and happy to take away from pain, but, well, things change lol. Hopefully this turns out being worth that pain though. It's not happy, but that's okay.

It had been a few years since the Army and the Spree had agreed on a ceasefire and teamed up in the hopes of putting a stop to the Camarilla’s reign of terror. A few years of endless battle, a war that took its toll on every witch. War had no mercy, taking and taking in an endless stream of deaths, the numbers rising seemingly exponentially, a series of faces reduced to nothing more than a statistic. There wasn’t a single one of them who hadn’t been affected, a friend, a mother, a lover. Everyone had lost someone, both Army and Spree, and that despair, that grief could be seen behind each set of eyes.

Some were hit harder than others, public in their grief, allowing themselves to feel every loss. Others chose to hide their pain, closing themselves off from their emotions, ignoring the guilt they felt and moving forward without looking back. Scylla was of this faction, pushing everything down in favour of pushing forward, hiding everything so as not to appear weak, vulnerable. To her, it was that vulnerability that got everyone she loved killed, and she wasn’t about to be next. 

She had been lucky so far in comparison. After her parents, it had only been acquaintances, coworkers, maybe friends, though she would be hesitant to refer to them as such. She’d yet to get a notice for Raelle, the blonde Fixer and her unit managing to stay as safe as possible throughout this endless hell, and she was more than relieved for that. But that luck just made it all the harder when she did finally receive a notice that broke through that barrier. 

When she was called into the office of Willa Collar, who greeted her with a carefully neutral face, broken only by carefully apologetic eyes, she felt her chest seize before the woman even had the chance to close the door behind her. Being told that the closest thing to a friend she had, a sister really, her partner within the Spree, the young woman who accompanied her as a Spree representative on joint missions with the Army, had been killed in a surprise attack by the Camarilla had her struggling to breathe for a moment as she tried to process the information, every muscle rigid and stiff as her mind raced.

A curt nod, eyes averted and trained stubbornly on the ground, had her turning on her heel and letting herself out of the room, yanking the door open as she struggled to draw in air. She ignored Willa’s calls for her to wait a moment and talk to her and just take a second before doing anything rash as she all but ran from the administration building, speeding along perfect paths next to well manicured lawns until she had made it back to her room in the building set aside for Spree accommodations, leaning her back against the door and closing her eyes, trying to calm herself and willing her emotions to stay firmly pressed down where she’d kept them for years.

She took in a shaky breath as she slid down the door, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them, holding on tightly as she calmed her racing thoughts, slipping into a quiet state of mind and letting the information she had just received slip away. 

For all she knew, Willa had just gotten the name wrong. Yes, that was it. Willa was wrong. It wasn’t uncommon for the woman to be wrong, so this was just another one of those times that Willa was wrong. It was the wrong name. She would show up later that evening, a book in hand and an impish smile spreading as she held a thermos of hot water while Scylla let her in, shaking her head fondly at the younger girl’s antics, moving to her desk to pull out a tea bag for them. Scylla smiled at the thought, knowing that her moment of panic was just that, a moment, and she settled into the peace of knowing everything was fine.

That peace didn’t last for very long though, when a quiet knock called her attention. She stood, smoothing a hand along her hair quickly and rubbing at her face for a second before reaching for the handle and pulling open the door a bit to reveal one of the girls down the hall, someone she recognised as having been around her quiet, young partner a fair amount when they weren’t on mission. Not as much as she was, but it was enough to consider her a friend of the girl. She had red-rimmed eyes, apologetic, full of pity directed toward her, and it was that look that made it real. 

She couldn’t deny it, couldn’t convince herself that they were mistaken, that they had simply gotten the name wrong. Not when another person was standing here in front of her, offering condolences with a shaky voice and clearing her throat, obviously holding herself back from trying to pull the brunette into a hug. A stumbling conversation hiding choked breaths ended as she closed the door, the other woman walking down the hall, presumably to continue acting out her grief somewhere else.

Two more knocks, followed by two more stilted interactions, had her stumbling back, collapsing against the wall in the furthest corner as stuttering breaths shook her body, refusing to be held back any longer like she did with her tears. She ignored the next round of knocking, and when it became obvious that these callers weren’t planning to stop anytime soon, she waited for the last one to leave before standing and heading out of the room, a quick stop at her desk before making her way down the stairs and out onto the grounds once more.

\--

Raelle knocked on the door again only to be met with silence, the same pattern for the last few minutes since she’d gotten here out of breath from running.

When she’d been called to her mother’s office, her stomach had dropped, heart clenching as she sped over to the administration building, the Spree messenger barely managing to keep up. The relationship between the two Collar’s had settled into an uncomfortable but reliable situation, doing their best to remain out of each other’s way and only really interacting when it was important. So when she was told to go to her mother’s office immediately, that it was urgent, she could only think of the worst. Something had happened to Scylla.

Bursting into her office to find Willa standing there with her arms outstretched and tone soothing, as though she were trying to calm a frightened animal, did not make that feeling go away, only serving to worry her more. But when Willa quickly explained the situation, the news that she had given to Scylla just a little bit earlier and the way she had reacted, the feeling shifted into something else entirely as she turned and took the same route her girlfriend had earlier, picking up speed until she was tearing across the grounds, needing to get to Scylla immediately.

But when she skidded to a stop just outside her door at the end of the hall and knocked, only to be met with silence, she finally took a breath, calming her thoughts as she raised her hand to knock again, calling out to the brunette. A couple of minutes and multiple tries later had her tracing her pinky along the door handle, carefully easing it open so as not to spook the other woman.

Normally, she would be all about giving her space, but she knew that as much as Scylla might say she wants to be alone, this was one of those times when it was very much so a lie. Raelle wasn’t going to let her be alone or try to shove this down. Not when she could be there for her.

So when she stepped into the room to find it empty, no real sign that her girlfriend had even been there minus her desk being a little less organised and tidy than usual, she had to pause, trying to figure out the best way to continue from here. She studied the desk, running her finger over its surface and closing the one partially opened drawer before turning again and pulling the door shut behind her, heading down the stairs and back out onto the grounds, a vague plan and a possible idea of where Scylla might be taking form.

\--

She found her in the gardens, hidden, tucked away among the roots of their favourite tree with her knees pulled up to her chest and eyes trained on a spot of grass in front of her. 

Raelle made sure that her footsteps were heavy enough to make her presence known as she approached, watching the silent brunette with hesitant eyes. When she made no comment at her presence, nothing to indicate that she had even noticed her appearance but nothing indicating she wanted her to leave, Raelle carefully knelt down, shifting so that she was sitting next to the girl, legs pressed together, but nothing beyond that. She wanted to be there for her, but she didn’t want to overwhelm her, to suffocate her when she needed to breathe the most.

But then Scylla leaned over slightly, and Raelle took that as a sign to do more, wrapping her arms around her slight frame and pulling her into her side. Scylla’s head moved to rest on her shoulder as hers settled on top of it, arms around her shoulders and knees, holding her together as they sat, an occasional sniffle breaking their silence.

“It doesn’t feel real.”

It was so quiet and Raelle was almost positive she had imagined it, but Scylla shifted slightly, sucking in a breath as she continued to refuse to allow her tears to fall, and Raelle held her tighter, shifting in an attempt to make the brunette more comfortable.

“I know.” She knew the feeling, had done the same, convinced herself everything was fine until it had been made real for her, and she knew that Scylla was doing the same, repressing everything until she couldn’t anymore. She nodded against the other girl’s head as she spoke. “I know.”

“Why- Why did-” A choked breath cut her off and Raelle shook her head slightly.

“I don’t know.”

Scylla burrowed further into her, turning into her side more and pressing her face into Raelle’s neck as the blonde adjusted her grip, a hand coming up to cradle the back of her head as Raelle tilted her own head down, enveloping and cocooning her entirely.

Raelle considered her thoughts, rolling around the words in her mind before deciding they might be best. Scylla knew enough about the cycle of everything to know that death wasn’t the end, she’d been the one to tell her that, after all, and knowing the girl, it wasn’t the death itself that was the problem. It was everything that came with it. So she spoke, repeating words that had been said to her all those years ago, her voice muffled by the way she had her face buried in Scylla’s hair. “Grief is stubborn and wild.”

A mumbled “grief sucks” was spoken into her neck, followed by a watery laugh, and Raelle nodded again, laughing quietly with her, arms wrapped tight around her shaking form. “Yeah, it does.”

\--

They stayed there for a while longer, intertwined to the point where it was hard to determine which was which, until the sun set, Scylla pulling back just slightly to watch the sky change colours before pushing back to where she had been before. Raelle held her until she felt the other girl’s breathing start to even out, at which point she pulled herself away, scratching slightly at Scylla’s scalp until she reluctantly moved from her spot in Raelle’s neck, eyes tired, but slightly less dull than before, something Raelle considered to be a win.

She murmured a quiet “come on”, standing and pulling Scylla to her feet, taking her hand in hers as she led them back across the grounds. They made a pit stop at one of the mess halls, Raelle leaving Scylla outside with promises that she’d be right back before darting in, returning with a bit of food for the both of them and grabbing Scylla’s hand again to continue on to her dorm.

She briefly debated bringing her back to the one she still shared with the unit, knowing that Tally would be an asset in anything, but ultimately decided against it, knowing Scylla wouldn’t want to be seen by anyone in her vulnerable state.

They made their way up the stairs and back into Scylla’s room, Raelle locking the door behind them as the brunette moved to sit on the bed, legs crossed as she hunched her shoulders, hands fiddling in her lap.

Raelle watched her for a moment before moving to set her findings on the desk and then sitting in front of her, mirroring her position. She studied her face for a moment, shrouded by dark hair, before shifting her gaze down to soft hands, catching sight of a small, dark red charm as it moved back and forth. A soft “oh” escaped her lips before Scylla was collapsing in on herself, tears finally escaping as she sobbed. 

Raelle surged forward, arms wrapping around her waist and her face burying itself in her neck as she held her, rocking Scylla slightly as she whispered quiet words and phrases. She held the girl as she broke down, charm clutched tightly in her hand as she struggled to breathe, sobs racking her body and tears blinding her, her eyes still focusing on the little bit of red.

She still remembered when she had been given the little charm. Her young partner had been even quieter than usual, a nervous look in her eyes as she fidgeted with something in her hands. Scylla would have been annoyed by the disruption to their routine had it not been so odd. The kid was anxious, sure, but never around her. But then the fidgeting had stopped, a deep breath taken before she held out her hand, motioning for Scylla to hold her own out before depositing the little bit of dark red into her outstretched hand. It had been her sister’s, before everything had happened, before she’d joined the Spree so similar to the way Scylla had, and she wanted her to have it. Had said it felt right.

Raelle remembered the story as well, the way Scylla had come to her late that same night, unsure of how to express what she was feeling, but wanting to share it. She remembered the fond smile as she stared at the object, the way she seemed almost lighter, and to see it now, eliciting such different emotions, was something she wished she could have anticipated.

But she didn’t. So instead she held her girl as she broke down, glad that she was letting herself feel, and knowing that she would be there to pick up the pieces afterwards.

When Scylla had worn herself out, tears subsiding, Raelle stood quickly to grab her some water, watching her drain the cup before laying down, curling in on herself. She climbed over her, settling down on her other side and opening her arms, at which Scylla quickly shuffled over, enveloped by Raelle’s warmth and the safety of her presence. She ran her finger through Scylla’s hair, holding her tightly as she felt her breaths even out. 

Tomorrow they would remember the girl, do something so that Scylla could say goodbye. But for tonight she would sleep, safe in Raelle’s arms as she held her, murmuring words of comfort until she had drifted off, intertwined with the girl who would always be there to hold and support her.

**Author's Note:**

> If you made it to this point, thank you for sticking around and reading. If you can relate, I'm sorry, but thank you for letting yourself feel. It's better that way. Thank you for reading. And, my friend, if you are reading this, I promise the next one will be nice and pleasant.


End file.
